Ground View

There is nothing like being knocked out of your rocker.  "I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm paying attention."  I suspect that I have a contract with God that stipulates that whenever I get a little too comfortable or cocky in life, that I'm fair game for having my perspective changed.  Most people don't require that much force but I'm not like most people...... hmmm...You know those moms?  The ones that space out in deep thought or watches her favorite t.v. show as if it were Calgon taking her away?  The ones that have their kids calling "Mama, Mom, Mother, Mom, Mama, MOM" just inches from her ears, and she still doesn't hear them???  Well, that's me. 

I used to be able to juggle life with all it's complexity, but I was younger then.  Come to think of it, I probably damaged my brain doing it. Anway, I was knocked out of my rocker this morning when I discovered that ny unemployment benefits had expired.  I hadn't seen this coming.  I expected a few more months of job searches before settling down into another job I would eventually grow to dislike.  Talk about shock!  I suddenly faced a black hole of living expenses and debt without any cash flow coming in.  The horror I felt was as if I'd seen the grim reaper.  The anxiety and panic that followed reminded me of something that I hadn't been reminded of, in a long time.  It was not the absence of security as you might think, but that up until that moment on the phone, when the Unemployment Representative offered her apologies, I had been secure. Not rich of course, but secure.  I had taken it for granted. 

I was in a tizzy, applying for jobs and calling friends for support.  I was confused and in shock but forced to focus. Suddenly, in the midst of all the chaos, I found hope again.  I didn't find it by crying or being angry at the system.  I didn't find it on line between uploading my resume for the millionth time or answering if I've ever been convicted of a felony.... I found hope by moving from the comfortable rocking chair to the ground, where my perspective and view had changed.   

Yes, it sucks...Yes, I'm nervous...Yes, my life is about to change dramatically, BUT I'm going to be okay.  I've decided that now is the time to finish my degree and finish it fast.  Not part time like I've been doing, instead I will embark on a new future as a full time student, living off of student loans and a cheezy part time job to make ends meet.  I will put the years of professional experience I've gained aside now and do what I should have done years ago - GET A DEGREE!  I need no more motivation than being broke and unable to pay my bills in order to get an education.  Not that a degree will keep me warm or pay my bills, but it will increase my chances of staying warm at least.  :) 

I may complain tomorrow, but today... I am okay.  Thank God. 

Drowning Myself

I'm a narcissist. 

There.  It's done.  I admit it.  I am a self absorbed creature by nature.  I was born crying at every discomfort and hollering for attention to get things done.  I simply, just never stopped.

Everyone has their own brand of narcissism.  Mine is senseless babbling on and on about myself.  I became one of those people who can't stop talking about themselves, as if rehashing my problems and personal  issues over and over again would solve them.  I give my friends credit for listening to the same old bullshit for years and always appearing to care, even when they probably wanted to strangle me.  (Thanks guys!)

But I am woman, damnit and by God you will hear me Roar! And roar....and roar...and roar some more.  But when does it stop?  When do I stop roaring and actually listen? When do I stop crying and complaining and actually let go of all the self involved pettiness? When do I stop caring about what people say about me when my back is turned?  When do I let go of that insecure thirteen year old trapped inside that cringes every time I look in the mirror?  When do I evolve into something more than myself? 

I would have asked my new therapist last Thursday but she just graduated to "pull-ups", so I wasn't confident she could help.  Instead I turned to Rene Descartes, the famous philosopher who said "Je pense donc je suis" or " I think therefore I am".  Which I interpreted as:  It's okay to be self absorbed but don't drown yourself.  Self awareness is like a magical spell we put on ourselves.  We have to use it for good and not evil.  In other words, if I stop condemning myself to the past and personal issues I won't evolve.  I will always be stuck there.  If I want to evolve and grow I have to let the problems go. 

Wow.  Looky there.....I think I'm evolving.  So I am.  :)